COMMANDER IN CHIEF INC.

Forget the small potatoes… how about we elect corporations as president?

We should have thought of this years ago! The possibilities are astoundingly limitless!

How about Exxon Mobil for commander in chief?
Forget lethal injections, bring back the gas chambers.
(Food-stamps? Forget about it. Give us gas cards, we can always eat later!)

Halliburton?
They are- Oops... I meant, it- it is perfectly capable of running a lousy and rather lethal business.
(Instead of clean water and clean energy solutions… we get bupkis!)

General Motors?
Forget universal health coverage. The AMA would be replaced by the AAA and we’d get universal car insurance with free towing.
(Holy lug wrench! Free towing? Damn skippy, I’m voting for GM!)

Chevron?
It would fight for every inch of oil on earth to maintain US supremacy.
(And we all know that doing so will keep us safe and secure for centuries to come. Yippee!)

GE?
The shut-off notice would replace the census.
(But hey, GE is into a whole range of shit, so the benefits don’t stop there!)

McDonalds?
Imagine the Mcservice. Imagine the drive through Mcocracy; three to seven in every small Mctown, forty to fifty in every Mccity. I mean imagine the children all smiling and screaming “MCDONALDS” every damn Mcblock you drive?
(The new McUS Mcmotto would be, Mcshit for food, Mcshit for service, Mcshit for governance, but always with a Mcshitty smile to greet you (plus all the Mcnapkins you can carry)!

AT&T?
Everyone’ll get a calling plan with a direct line to the US government!
(Sure, the calls will be outsourced to India and other countries, but the intention is really all that matters, especially when you’re put on hold for six friggin’ hours!)

Bank of America?
Now there’s a presidential sounding name, Bank of America. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Every four years the elections would be replaced by a massive nationwide bail-out.
(On the plus side, talk of voter fraud would be a thing of the past!)

No! How about Wal-Mart?
Yes! Finally something we can all agree on… I mean if Wal-Mart ascended to the highest office in this land, not only would we have door greeters in every business to thank us for coming to the store that slays small businesses with their mere presence, but we’d also be treated to everyday low expectations… every single solitary waking moment…
(Wow! I mean can you say job/parking lot security? Wal-Mart can’t, but they’ll sell you a shopping cart full of shit anyway!)